Mean, Fair, and Nice

I have noticed there is a discrepancy in the popular labeling of behaviors with the words: Mean, Fair, and Nice.  But seldom have I been satisfied by the definition which has been given in regard to how these labels are used in our culture.  So, I will define them as I see them in relation to economy and causality.

Lets start with Fair.  Fair is establishing a contract and then fulfilling that contract according to the agreed to conditions.

For example:
Dad: If you clean your room I will give you a piece of gum.
Child: Ok!
*** Child cleans room ***
*** Dad gives child a piece of gum ***

Very simple contract but a contract none the less.  So what is Mean?  Mean would be to renege on the contract after the conditions of the contract have been met.  Such as the child cleans the room but no gum is given.  But why would this happen?  Perhaps the Dad was lying, or one of my favorites the Dad informs the child that because they took so long the child does not get the gum even though no time frame was given for the completion of the task.  Or the child cried and whined and Dad says "No gum because you cried and whined."  This is meanness.  It is not right.

Here is an example of the term Mean being used incorrectly.  Child 2 sees Dad give Child 1 the piece of gum for cleaning their room.  Child 2 says "Can I have a piece of gum?" Dad says "no."  This is not meanness, there was no contract so Dad is not obligated to give Child 2 anything.  This is Fair.  It is not Nice however.

So then, what is Nice?  Nice is gaining reward without contract.  In the above example Child 2 asked for a piece of gum but has done nothing to earn the gum.  If Dad gives Child 2 gum this is a Nice gesture.  There was no contract but Child 2 gained.  Child 1 might exclaim "That's not fair!  I had to clean my room to get gum!" Or an observer might say "That's mean to not give share your gum."  The act of not sharing the gum is Fair. If Dad decides to share it would be Nice since Child 2 has no contract hence Dad has no obligation or broken contract.  Being Fair is oft times looked on as being Mean but this is simply not true.

So to conclude:
Fair: A contract is made and met
Mean: A contract is completed but reneged upon
Nice: No contract is made for the reward given

So many parents get sucked into the: "Thats not fair!" exclamation which stops them from being Nice.  Or they are guilted into being Nice under the guise that Fairness is Meanness.  Do not be fooled.  Call it what it is.  Know what it is and make your choices consciously.